This was a lenton Mediation I gave to my congregation in early 2016. My texts were:

At the end of 2014 I rotated off the Session for the second time. I had been on the Session for 12 of the previous 13 years at that point. Serving you and God on the Session is something that I was glad to do and helped me to own my faith more than I had before.

While I was glad to have served a would serve again if asked, the second time I rotated off was different than the first time. At the end of 2014 I was tired. I’m sure 12 years played a part in that, but really it was the last 2 or 3 years that took the largest toll. To give you a sense of what I am talking about I’d like to mention two of the decisions that were made in those last few years.

Both involved real people, my friends, people I love.

First there was all of the discernment and prayer and conversation with and about Jon. Looking back it is still hard for me personally. I had my personal part to play in some of the missteps, which my memory replayed at regular intervals, but in the end I believe that we as a Session really did discern and decide as God was directing. And it was personally distressing to me. Distressing just to have needed to make the decision and watch many of you, and Jon, struggle and because in the decision I felt the real loneliness of leadership.

The second example is in the ending of GEMs, the dissolution of GUM, and decision to hire some of the GUM staff as church staff. Again these were decisions that I believe were true to how God was directing us. But I would often need to watch with agony the distress, disorientation, and grief that the decisions I was a part of caused Jenelle. Our decisions ended the ministry she had sunk her roots into, ended her job, and seemed to forget about her. How could following my call cause such pain for her?

So when my time on the Session came to a close there was a real sense of relief for me. No more hard decisions, right?

Not so fast!

Let me take you back for a different thread, in the years before January 2015, our daughter Jacqueline had been making bad decisions, decisions that were not just bad - but deadly to herself. Jenelle and I had done everything we could think of. Tried every resource we could find. In November of 2014 after a scary incident, Jenelle and I agreed that we really could not keep Jacqueline safe. She would not listen to us, none of the professionals we were turning to could help. We made the last decision any parent wants to make. We decided that after the next incident we would refuse to let Jacqueline come back into our house.

That is a terrible decision to have to make. It is fraught with thoughts of failing as parents and being heartless to your daughter. But, we had reached a place where the alternative was actually worse. I had reached the end of what I could do. It was a devastating time. Concurrent with some of what I was experiencing as a Session member. I had reached bottom. I was being aground to dust.

As I was preparing for this meditation, I reflected on Jesus in Gethsemane. The gospel of Matthew relates that he told his disciples, “My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to death.” I would have been able to say that. I was so glad to find that I am not striking out on my own but even in this I am following my Lord.

There is a catchphrase “Let go, and Let God.” That seems like such a pleasant phrase. It sounds almost like you have a choice. I have a different phrase that is more accurate for me “Give up! and Give God.” I mean I had to give up on myself and what I could do. There was no choice. To continue without giving up on myself would have meant death for my daughter. I thought I had been letting God, but in the end I just couldn’t give up. I needed to know what would happen before I did, until I really found I had nothing.

But we weren’t done yet. Christ was not done in Gethsemane, he prayed “your will be done,” and the next day he died on the cross. There was more suffering and sadness ahead. Not because of my sin or because I was running away from God, but precisely because I wanted to be in His will. For me, I needed to “Give God” not just in words but in action.

Early on January 29, 2015, at around 12:30AM, we got a phone call from the SFPD. They had found Jacqueline, the paramedics had revived her and brought her to the ER department at UCSF and we needed to come now. We weren’t summoned to see Jacqueline. We went to be interviewed by the police. We did not see Jacqueline for another 18 or 20 hours.

And so we lived out a nightmare. Each policeman, social worker, nurse, doctor, therapist (at each shift change) … they all assumed they were working to clear their shift or bed and to get her home as quickly as possible and we had to say to each one. “No! We cannot keep her safe. We will not let her come home.” We had to say to every professional that we couldn’t be her parents. That was the lowest I’ve come so far.

Our text today includes my mom’s favorite verse. Well calling a favorite verse may not go far enough. This verse was something that she clung to. Jeremiah 29:11 was a verse that I heard from my mom all of my life. “I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans of hope and a future.” I would hear this from my mom in good times and bad. When I graduated and when I was doing the stupid things college kids do. When she was encouraged, when she was sick. My mom gave us wall hangings with this verse and cards for birthdays.

It came to her lips for me when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. The cancer eventually went into remission after surgery, radiation, and chemotherapy. The cancer went into remission but she did not get well. It took her years to recover. For your her skin would experience excruciating pain when exposed to heat. (She lived in Southern California. She spent years in air conditioned buildings.) She eventually had 9 months or a year where she felt better, finally. She perked up and was able to go on walks outside and even bought a bike to ride with my dad. And then she was diagnosed with leukemia. A month or so later she was in the hospital again, and a month after that she was unresponsive. She agreed to an aggressive treatment because the doctors asked her to, but it was never her hope. Throughout this time she would quote this verse. Often to help me as I talked about my struggles as a parent. I was glad to be able to send her a recording of one of our services where the choir sang these words in those last couple months. Suffering did not change her faith that God had a plan for her of hope and a future.

The verse actually comes in the midst of a letter from Jeremiah to the exiles in Babylon. In reflecting on this I realized that even in context the text is given to people who were suffering because they were in God’s will. The last verse we read was pretty explicit, “… I will bring you to the place from which I cause you to be carried away captive.”

You might say they were in Babylon as punishment. That is certainly true as a nation, but whose names do we know from this period. Here are five names of people who were carried into captivity: Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, Abed-Nego, and Mordecai, Esther’s uncle. These are Godly men who suffered precisely because they were where God had placed them. They suffered and, God also did for them precisely what he said he would do in Jeremiah 29:11. They each received hope and a future.

For me, I have received hope too. In the year since my bitter low I have seen God’s miracles again and again and again and again as He made a way where there was not a way. We found a place that has made a huge difference to us. It wasn’t the first place we found. We were looking at a few places that seemed like they were good and were looking at enrolling her, then Jenelle did one more Google search for boarding schools in California and found one in Montana. All of the schools were beyond our financial means and again God provided through you guys. There are so many little details that when we remember them we see the distinct hand of God. For Christmas Jacqueline entered our house again for the first time in 10 months, and it was wonderful. Wonderful. Because of her hard work and ours we were able to be a family again, in the same house, in the same room for a little while. Because of God’s hand where I once was hopeless I now have hope.

I wish I could say Jeremiah 29:11 comes to my lips as quickly and consistently as it did to my mom’s. Even after my low point I continued to be angry and bitter that I too had to change because of my daughter. Even after seeming God’s movement on our behalf I stood up on a prayer time in June and asked for prayer because I needed to go to a parent workshop put on by the staff of her school. I think I asked for you to pray that I would behave and meet God at this workshop. The workshop was a huge turning point for me. God did meet me there. I learned so much from the staff. Real, practical, essential tools and lessons. And God’s part was to make it very clear to me that all of this was intended by him to not only as a path to a better relationship with Jacqueline, but also as a way to convert me and to carry me further in my own discipleship.

One of many things that got through to me thanks to your prayers was a particular phrase. The only thing I need to concentrate on is to “Take the next right step.” That crystallized for me what I needed both in my relationships with family but also in my relationship with God.

That phrase “Take the next right step.” May sound like a relief or yet more burden depending on which word you concentrate on. “Next” or “Right”. If you concentrate on “Right” you will probably get bogged down in what is the right step. But if you concentrate on “Next” it sheds so much thought and paralysis from all of the things you are being deluged by. I fell in the later group eventually. Because I realized that taking a wrong step actually just made the step after that easier to decide on. Whoops that was wrong. I need to ask for forgiveness now.

But really you will find the correct perspective by taking this axiom along with Jeremiah 29:11. If I let God carry out his plans, I will have a future, and the only thing I need to concentrate on is the next step that He puts in front of me. And if I make the wrong step, just the next step after that. God will take care of it. Will every step make me feel happy and carefree, um, no. Will every step bring me closer to the future he has planned for me, yes, absolutely.

I get in trouble when I want to make that future happen. If I do that I will often get paralyzed because it seems impossible, or I will steamroll over the people around me to get there. And sometimes I’ll do both at the same time. How is that even possible? But if I Give God, then my steps matter and God uses them.

We are not out of the woods yet. There is still no timetable for Jacqueline to return. There are questions again of how will we afford it. There are questions of can this be real. There are questions of how will it work when she does come home. They are all real questions. But God has brought us this far and I can place all of my hope on Him continuing to be true to his promise to bring hope and a future.

The best thing that happens if I let God own the future, is that he gives me the ability to follow Christ in another way. Like Jesus and in the story from Luke of healing the blind man, if I let God worry about where I am going, I can stop to see my daughter, my family, you all, and anyone else who is in front of me without having to worry about what will happen to my future.